Remembering Our Angel

October 15th is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day to remember all babies who were lost to a miscarriage, stillbirth or other complications after birth, that result in a neonatal death.

April 2, 2008 was a life-changing day for my family and me. It was the day that we learned that our third baby, who we were so excited to welcome into our family, would not be joining our family after all. In the beginning of my 11th week of pregnancy, we lost our little one. My due date was October 30th, so if things had gone as we had hoped, we would be celebrating our baby's first birthday this month.

Although it was a devastating loss, and one in which the emotions that accompanied it can not be explained, time has made it easier to remember. Instead of being distraught when I think of my baby, as I was most of last year, it now makes me a little sad wondering what could have been. I don't think that wondering will ever disappear and, in a way, I am very grateful for that - because that "wondering" also makes me smile.....thinking of our one year old beginning to walk, opening presents and digging into birthday cake!

But most of all, I feel blessed. Blessed for the time I had with our baby, although short. Blessed that God was there to help me survive. Blessed that I have a wonderful husband, two other beautiful children, supportive parents and an awesome sister, who didn't even tell me she was pregnant when I miscarried because she thought it was more important to keep from hurting me than to share her joyous news.

And, finally, I am blessed because I will forever have a guardian angel.

Mommy loves you sweetheart.

You're Never Too Old (At Least That's What Gets Me Through Day)

I babysat for three of my sister Jenn's children Saturday night. Her Nicholas is two and half years older than Beb and her Natalie is just nine weeks younger than Al. Her youngest, Thomas the Tank Engine, is 9 months old with a toothless grin that would melt even the coldest heart. He's so stinkin' cute!

Let's just say my ovaries hurt now.

And hurting ovaries at age 41, kind of painful......just sayin'.

"100 THINGS ABOUT ME" (81-90):

81. I never thought much about having children when Ray and I were first married. I was only 25 at the time and thought we had plenty of time for baby making. But time flies when you're having fun.

82. Nine years later, at age 34, I became a mother with the birth of our son Benjamin.

83. In cat years, that's really old.

84. Two years later, our daughter was born.

85. For those of you doing the math, I was 36 when Alexandria was born.

86. Our boy. Our girl. We were complete.

87. Until I was staring down the backside of 39. Can you say 'tick tock'?

88. So, after much discussion (and by discussion, I mean me relentlessly asking Ray if we could have another baby and him responding that we are too old - tell me something I don't know Cowboy), we finally realized that we didn't want to have any regrets if we didn't at least try for a few months. I prayed to God that if we were meant to have another baby, I would embrace that. If He had different plans for us, I would accept and embrace that also.

89. Two months after my 40th birthday, I became pregnant. Seeing those two little lines was so exciting! It was such a happy moment for our family.

90. In my 11th week of pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. The excitement and happiness of earlier weeks was replaced with the kind of pain and heartache that I thought would never end. But with God as the calm in our storm, the pain eventually did ease. And although we never got to hold our baby, look into his or her beautiful eyes or hear that beautiful cry, we are comforted by the knowledge that someday we will. Before becoming pregnant, I prayed to God that I would embrace another baby - and I did. I also prayed to God that I would accept His decision if He had other plans - and I have. For now.

But as we know, God has a sense of humor and can throw you a curve ball even if you didn't know you were up to bat! At age 41, I don't know if God will bless us with another baby. Sometimes, I pray that He does and other times I know I am CRAZY for even praying for such chaos that a newborn baby is sure to create. Hello? Poo poo diapers, bottles, spit-up, bath time, teething, drooling......

But on the other hand, poo poo diapers, bottles, spit-up, bath time, teething, drooling......