October 15th is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day to remember all babies who were lost to a miscarriage, stillbirth or other complications after birth, that result in a neonatal death.
April 2, 2008 was a life-changing day for my family and me. It was the day that we learned that our third baby, who we were so excited to welcome into our family, would not be joining our family after all. In the beginning of my 11th week of pregnancy, we lost our little one. My due date was October 30th, so if things had gone as we had hoped, we would be celebrating our baby's first birthday this month.
Although it was a devastating loss, and one in which the emotions that accompanied it can not be explained, time has made it easier to remember. Instead of being distraught when I think of my baby, as I was most of last year, it now makes me a little sad wondering what could have been. I don't think that wondering will ever disappear and, in a way, I am very grateful for that - because that "wondering" also makes me smile.....thinking of our one year old beginning to walk, opening presents and digging into birthday cake!
But most of all, I feel blessed. Blessed for the time I had with our baby, although short. Blessed that God was there to help me survive. Blessed that I have a wonderful husband, two other beautiful children, supportive parents and an awesome sister, who didn't even tell me she was pregnant when I miscarried because she thought it was more important to keep from hurting me than to share her joyous news.
And, finally, I am blessed because I will forever have a guardian angel.
Mommy loves you sweetheart.